Baby Loss Memory Book
In Memory Of You, a baby loss memory book
1 min read time
If you are pregnant or TTC & reading this, you are meant to be. Please don't click out too soon. Knowing the signs of a baby in distress, based on my experience, could save your baby.
I hope you learn from my mistakes. This may trigger you for a moment, but it's worth it. You'll grow. I want to educate you in a way that I wasn't; I'm in no way trying to scare you.
If I had read this blog, I am confident my infant son would still be alive today.
I lost my healthy infant in utero during late pregnancy. Even though this has been so hard for me to write, I did it because I wish I were the one reading it last March.
Over the weekend, I felt something was off. He wasn't kicking like I was used to. It was only three days after a picture-perfect ultrasound. So, I drank my water, took a break & then drank a sugary drink. I would get a kick here and there. It was just not feeling right.
On Sunday, I waited for nighttime to see if that would help because he was more active at night. While I was in bed, out of nowhere, he kicked and kicked and kicked. It was different, though. Super irregular for him, super quick, and all over the place. But he kicked, so I thought I was in the clear.
Our country was in the beginning stages of the stay-at-home order for COVID-19. My husband and I knew that the hospital would be unavoidable when we went into labor. But until then, we were apprehensive about running straight to the ER. We didn't want to catch the virus at a busy hospital for something that wasn't a big deal. Turns out, this was a big deal.
The next day was weird again (Monday). Not so active. I decided to give him the night again because that had worked the night before. Night came- no kicks, small movements, the Braxton Hicks were starting.
I said, "Okay, we will get it checked out in the morning." Tuesday morning, we went in.
The hospital wasn't even busy. I shouldn't have waited. There, he was declared to have no heartbeat at 37 weeks, 5 days pregnant.
I was induced, and he was delivered the next day. Baby boy weighing 5lbs 9oz and 19 inches. Forever sleeping.
^ SO MANY RED FLAGS OVER THAT WEEKEND; I JUST DIDN'T SEE IT
I didn't see it at the time! I was in some crazy denial, but who thinks, OH, MY HEALTHY BABY IS SCREAMING FOR HELP RIGHT NOW? But he was.
I drove to the hospital that morning, LITERALLY telling my husband, "I know this is just a precaution; I know he's fine. I just want to be sure." He agreed. No urgency. Happy small talk on the way in. We were completely blindsided when they couldn't find a heartbeat.
In the worst case, I thought my doctors would induce me right then because they were a little worried. I assumed I would get a baby that was alive at the end of it. Little did I know...
Looking back, I believe he passed while I was asleep the night when he kicked a bunch. His final movements. For a whole 24 hours at home, he was gone. But I was cautiously feeling my baby bump and taking it easy, never rushing to the hospital. I did not know my baby was dead. At all.
Here are some things I could have been more aware of...
Your baby must move & kick ten times within one hour. You are done for the day if they have accomplished that. You will need to do it again in 24 hours. Many apps help you keep track; one is listed at the bottom of this page. This starts around week 26 of pregnancy.
Download this KICK COUNTING App ( 26+ weeks):
Count the Kicks is a safe and simple way to help monitor your baby's well-being. Use this app daily during your third trimester of pregnancy to track your baby's movement patterns.
I had mentioned on Sunday night (after a half day of concerns), he kicked a lot. But I knew it was irregular. It was only for a minute or two. It was a cry for help, and I didn't realize it. It was an indication of stress on my baby. Movement can still be a sign of distress.
Even if your kick counts are technically done for the day, you still may feeloff. This is enough to call your doctor. Let me repeat: YOU. KNOW. YOUR. BABY. I did know my baby; I did know I was feeling off. I DIDN'T KNOW that it was enough to go to the ER right then and there.
It was my reasoning for not going to the ER right away. If baby is not moving in your 3rd trimester, something is up! And it's worth getting checked out. If you go to triage and you are fine, thank God. But there is a likely chance your instincts were spot on. There will always be enough room for your baby to move.
Timing is everything when saving your baby. As you read above, I tried to "wait it out." Call your doctor, and head over. Nobody should ever scold you for being wrong.
We felt the hospital staff was confused about why we were there when we first walked in. Asking over and over-
So why are you here?
Decreased movement.
Do you have an appointment?
We called on the way over.
That's not an appointment.
????
Queue the tension from all involved.
Don't let their stress invalidate your reason for being there. A non-stress test is easy and should take 20 mins.
Timing is everything when your baby is distressed (decreased or abnormal movement).
The doctor that declared no heartbeat was detected asked me, "When was the last time you felt him move?" Now considering that his small movements weren't kicks, they were just a deceased baby in my belly. I said, maybe Sunday night?? Emphasis on the question mark. I was there on Tuesday morning. It hit me all at once. Right then and there, that it wasn't okay.
My friend is pregnant and had her first appointment. She's a little apprehensive about it because this is her first pregnancy, and I had my stillborn three months ago. So, she tells her doctor she's a little on edge because of my situation. AND THE DOCTOR goes, "Oh no, no, no, you don't have to worry. That's like a 1 in 10,000 chance." That statistic is incorrect; the real one is 1 in 160. Also, just because you know someone doesn't offset your chances.
You don't have to be afraid. You need to be prepared. A better response from the doctor would have been, "I am happy to educate you throughout your pregnancy. I don't want you stressing over this, as it isn't the norm. But I understand your worries. Sometimes this is totally preventable, but unfortunately, some babies are predisposed to this for various reasons."
Please use this to build awareness for yourself. People try to ease your mind before having "scary conversations" with you. This isn't the time to let down your guard. Ask hard questions. Research the "what if's." Be thankful when everything ends up completely fine.
No, it's not as likely. But 24,000 women in the US each year do. Don't be afraid; just be mindful. Ask questions, watch videos, listen to podcasts, talk to your doctor & go in when you need to.
In today's online culture, you may see many arguments that induction isn't natural. So, therefore, they tell you to say no. I'm afraid I have to disagree. If your doctor is suggesting induction, it's for a valid reason.
I was induced with my first pregnancy. My daughter is alive and well. There were no plans to induce with my second, which resulted in a stillborn. Any moms on the fence about induction, please listen to your doctors.
True knots. Placenta abruption. Cord accidents. Hypercoiling of the umbilical cord. These things happen. Your baby's decreased movements are telling you that your baby got hurt. Please take it slow and listen to your body.
Not all stillborn deaths are preventable. Many are diagnosed with rare diseases in utero. Sometimes you just don't know what went wrong. What a beautiful post this would be if a baby was saved because of it.
I took my daily prenatal. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. I was careful. I was excited. He was healthy. I still lost him.
We were in SHOCK when we found out our son had passed away. We didn't drive to the hospital that day, thinking he was gone. I wasn't educated on those little moments telling me something was wrong.
I am not a doctor.
I am a mom who lost her son & am trying to prevent others from this awful scenario.
I had a stillborn, and I won't let my fear stop me from becoming pregnant again. I will take what I have learned into this next pregnancy. All I want you to do is take all this information into your pregnancy. Prevention is key. Death is permanent.
BUSTING THE MYTH THAT STILLBIRTH ISN'T PREVENTABLE – HEATHER FLORESCUE, MD
REDUCING STILLBORNS Dr. Catherine Calderwood Stillbirth Summit 2019
As I write all of this and think, was I really that naive? Yes. Yes, I was.
I'm so sorry, Bash. Mommy and daddy love you.
Thank you for reading, beautiful mamas. Sending all my love.
Edit: While discussing my article with another mom, she raised many points that helped validate my concerns. Please use these as reminds to always be your own advocate:
...I think it's tough here in the US because, as you referred to in your writing, it's such a big deal to have an appointment, get in to see a doctor, etc. I had my first in Vietnam, and you could walk in anywhere just to get checked without fuss (which I did several times if anything felt off). Here, it takes weeks to be seen in the office by your doctor (and you might end up with a nurse instead of your doctor), or you have to go to the ER where you risk getting sick, an often astronomical bill, and possibly even getting brushed off. It makes it harder to access healthcare and makes women more likely to wait it out, sometimes leading to the most tragic of circumstances, as you experienced...
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